Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
