Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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