I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Drake has all the answers
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize