fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
