If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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