After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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