just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She needs sedatives and a leash
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Someone came in the potted fern
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
