You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
