The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
