Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I see more hoeing in ur future
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