you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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