he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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