we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
