Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
