Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
