I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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