Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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