I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
There's always time for handjobs
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
