That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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