the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
