well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
