I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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