the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
