I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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