i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
