i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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