Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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