My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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