Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
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