Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
