I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
