i wish my penis had a tongue
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
