like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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