so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
