Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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