you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
