remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
