I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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