it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
