Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
