I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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