i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
