I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
