i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
