At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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