that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
me + whiskey = a bad person
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
