I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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