I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
