remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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