How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The air was thick with penises
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
