I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
if i can run in heels then i can drive
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
