Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The air was thick with penises
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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