OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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