Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
