so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
