I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
