Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
