Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i out mim tonsoeep
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