Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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